your touch

your touch

your touch can be so harsh
ragged fingers on soft flesh
thorny nails, skin marsh
dragging me into a lull sesh

your touch can be so soft
a red rose left alone on the ground
dewey, petite, so beautiful
i breathe, i sigh, i cry

your touch can be so pained
a tug, a calling out
waiting, hoping for me
i give in so easily

your touch can be a balm
darkest skies turn pink and golden
blues turn into jazz and gold
you never feel that old

your touch can be sore
a rough night after a hard day's work
i smile, i wait, we dream
of the day we both stay.

so i lie

my hands tingle from the chill
breathing hurts, my eyes water
there is so little control
i don't want to give in to this chaos
so i lie

i lie to you about how miserable I am
i have to - everything has been terrible so far
i don't know how to deal with this sudden certainty
i don't know how to relax
so i lie

i lie to you about my lack of direction
i lie to you that it's not you, it's me
i have to- how do i tell you I know now
i know what's going to happen to me
so i lie

i lie to you about being in the same boat
about refreshing my page and agony
about the sinking feeling, the bone crush
i have to- being sure of some things has never worked out
so i lie

i lie to you about my future, about ours
i tell you, yeah i'm miserable too
yes, this uncertainty; yes, we deserve better
i don't want to unclench after years of stressing
so i lie

i lie about the stress, i lie to keep you sane
to not pull you into my arms, and then regret it
to not have you near me, and then be torn apart
i have to- i'm scared
so i lie

how do i explain to you
that if i say the truth, 
talk about the possibilities
they will go away - they always have, so why not now?
so I lie

i lie for myself, because I'm terrified
i lie to myself, because this is all i've wanted
i lie to myself, because suddenly i'm doubtful
i lie to myself, because how does a person whose dreams come true 
change their dreams before living it, huh?
so I lie

sometimes

i.

sometimes i think

about how you understood

whenever i was depressed or anxious or in one of my broody moods.

i got into my dream college

but didn’t have money and

you made a silly joke

and extended it

till I laughed & laughed

tometimes i wonder
do you think of me
in my fake bangs
and my fake glasses
and my disco lights
trying to make you laugh?


iii.
sometimes i feel
you 
in my arms
like a phantom limb
and i cry myself to sleep
how did we get here?


iv.
sometimes i argue
with myself
in my head
and agonize over how you're not here
to stop me from losing the good fight

v.
sometimes i hope
you miss me as much
as i crave you
your stupid smile
and your porn mustache
that you just won't shave off
and how we laughed 
and laughed

vi.
sometimes i laugh
about your deranged
little stories
about your cousin trying to pick up girls
after a glass of afternoon chai

vii.
sometimes i cry
about you not watching my favourite videos
and you telling me how much you want me
by sharing your favourite songs
and memes and reels

viii.
sometimes i crave
your touch, your lips
your fingers on my tattoo
you telling me i'm brave
when i feel like running
you just being there 
when i feel like i have noone
you making me laugh
when the world makes me cry

ix.

sometimes i want
you back,
knowing that's not where we'd end up
knowing there's no point
knowing it's too much
and not enough 
knowing that i know nothing

x.
sometimes i peek
at your life
you're so happy, 
so yourself
I'm so proud of you
i want to tell you this,
but i know i can't
so i don't

i journal
and keep my heart
behind a glass box
and whisper to the wind
hoping you know 
what i know and feel